I Just Don't Need To!

In this episode, Sarah and Crystal break down what self-care actually looks like, why it’s so hard to maintain, and how burnout, guilt, and people-pleasing get in the way. They also dive into boundaries, why they’re uncomfortable, why people react to them, and why someone being upset doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Sometimes the issue isn’t your boundary… It’s that someone lost access to you.

Helpful Resources

• National Alliance on Mental Illness
  
  Mental health education, support groups, and a free helpline (call 800-950-6264) 
• Crisis Text Line
  
  Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 confidential support 
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
  
  Call or text 988 for 24/7 free, confidential support during difficult moments 

Disclaimer

This episode is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed professional or one of the resources above.

Transcript

Crystal 0:00

Welcome back to the dollhouse.

Sarah 0:01

I'm Crystal and I'm Sarah and we are the Marionette dolls.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

Make the angels feel like a little kid. Applauding it like a little plan.

Sarah 0:32

Welcome to the Doll House. We have a special announcement. Announcement, announcement. Hee he hee hee hee to all those who are around. I got into grad school. Yeah. Okay, so now this means I have no time to myself. So that's gonna be great. What'd you think? Why are you laughing at me? She doesn't even She's like, you know what? You in your grad school, that's hilarious. You got into grad school. I know.

Crystal 1:06

It's hard to believe. I don't know why that's funny. No, no. I'm not laughing at that. You're just like, now I have no time for myself.

Sarah 1:16

Or anything, or anybody. It's gonna be busy. I'm a little nervous, but I'm excited. I think it'll be fine. Yeah.

Crystal 1:22

You're overthinking it. Yeah, it's okay. It was harder to get into the thing than I think it's gonna be to do the thing. Does that make sense?

Sarah 1:32

I don't know. I guess I'll let you know after. Once I once I get through. Once it is if I get there. Anyways. So why did why why bring this up now? One, obviously because it's a cool announcement. And two, we're gonna talk about self-care.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

So yeah. Now we're gonna fit that in with the time now.

Sarah 1:54

Well, now I'm gonna tell you and hopefully practice what I preach when it comes to taking care of oneself. Right? Yeah. Alright, so let's get rolling, alright? Self-care has been marketed so aggressively at this point that I think we've lost the original meaning entirely. Because when most people hear the phrase self-care, they don't think about sleep, stress regulation, or basic functioning. They think about the spa days, face masks, candles, maybe a glass of wine, and some version of treat yourself. And none of these things inherently bad, but the problem is that these things have been presented as a solution. When in reality they're often just a decoration on top of a system that's already falling apart. Because if someone is sleeping four hours a night, overwhelmed, not eating consistently, and running on stress hormones, a bath is not gonna fix that.

Crystal 2:44

No, because that version of self-care feels like putting a sticker over a problem. Like I'm deeply unwell, but I did buy a candle, so we're good. And I think that's where a lot of people get frustrated because they try the version of self-care that's been sold to them and it doesn't actually make them feel better. So then they think something is wrong with them. Like they're doing it wrong, or they're not trying hard enough to relax. But it's not that they're doing it wrong, it's that they were given the wrong definition in the first place.

Sarah 3:16

Exactly, because self-care from a psychological perspective is not about indulgence, it's about regulation and maintenance. It is the set of behaviors that allows your body and your brain to continue to function at a stable baseline. Things like sleep, nutrition, hydration, stress management, boundaries, these are not luxuries. They are requirements. And when these things are missing, the body starts compensating.

Crystal 3:39

And the body does not compensate quietly. That's what I've learned. It doesn't gently tap you on the shoulder and say, hey, maybe drink some water. It escalates. You get irritable, you get exhausted, you start snapping at people, you feel overwhelmed by things that normally wouldn't bother you, and then you're sitting there thinking, why am I like this? Meanwhile, your body's like, you slept three hours and had coffee for dinner.

Sarah 4:04

And that escalation is actually the nervous system trying to get your attention because the body is always trying to maintain balance, what we call homeostasis. When your basic needs aren't being met, your system shifts into stress mode. Cortisol increases, your nervous system becomes more reactive, your ability to regulate emotions decreases. So now things are feeling harder, not because life suddenly became impossible, but because your system is operating under strain.

Crystal 4:30

Which is why the bubble bath version of self-care feels so disconnected from reality. Because most people aren't struggling because they don't have enough candles. They're struggling because they're overwhelmed, overextended, and exhausted. And no one taught them how to actually take care of themselves in a sustainable way.

Sarah 4:48

And a lot of that comes from how we were conditioned. Productivity is rewarded, pushing through is praised, rest is often treated like something you earn after you've exhausted yourself. So people learn to ignore their limits. They learn to override signals like fatigue, stress, or emotional overload. And over time, that creates a pattern where self-care feels unnatural or even uncomfortable.

Crystal 5:10

And sometimes it feels wrong. Like if you sit down and rest, there's the voice in your head saying you should be doing something else. You should be cleaning, you should be working, you should be catching up on something. So when people try to slow down, they can't actually relax because their brain is still in go mode.

Sarah 5:28

That's really an important point because self-care isn't just about doing different behaviors, it's about retraining how your brain responds to rest. If your system has been in a constant state of stress or productivity, slowing down can feel uncomfortable at first. Not because it's wrong, but because it's unfamiliar.

Crystal 5:46

And I think that's where people get stuck because they try to implement self-care, but it doesn't feel good immediately. So they stop. But what they don't realize is that their system is so used to running on stress that calm feels unnatural.

Sarah 5:59

And that's why real self-care isn't always aesthetic. It doesn't always look relaxing. Sometimes it looks like going to bed earlier, drinking water, eating a real meal, saying no to something, stepping away from a situation. Those things are not glamorous, but they are what actually stabilizes the system.

Crystal 6:17

And that's the part no one posts online. No one is making a cute video about drinking water and setting boundaries. It's always the candles, always the aesthetic. But the actual work of taking care of yourself usually is very basic and sometimes uncomfortable. And I think this is where people start to feel frustrated with themselves because once you realize what self-care actually is, it sounds simple. Drink water, sleep, eat, set boundaries. None of that is complicated. But for some reason, it still feels hard to actually do consistently. And that disconnect makes people feel like they're failing at something that should be basic.

Sarah 6:53

And the reason it feels hard isn't because people are lazy or unmotivated. It's because there are multiple systems working against those behaviors. One of the biggest factors is conditioning. If someone spent years prioritizing productivity over rest or other people's needs over their own, then self-care behaviors are not their default. They're unfamiliar. And the brain tends to default to what is familiar even if it's not sustainable.

Crystal 7:17

Which explains why people will say they're exhausted and then still lay up scrolling for another hour, or say they're overwhelmed and then agree to take on more responsibilities. But it's not always about what they know they should do, it's about what their system is used to doing.

Sarah 7:32

Another major factor is guilt. Many people associate taking care of themselves with being selfish, especially if they were raised in environments where their needs were minimized or where they were expected to take care of others first. So when they try setting boundaries or prioritizing their own well-being, it creates discomfort. Not because of the behavior is wrong, but because it conflicts with what they are taught.

Crystal 7:53

And that guilt can be loud. You finally decide to rest, and instead of feeling better, you feel like you're doing something you shouldn't be doing. Like you're falling behind or letting someone down. So instead of actually resting, you're just sitting there stressed about the fact that you're still resting.

Sarah 8:09

Which means the body never actually shifts out of stress mode because true rest requires the nervous system to feel safe enough to relax. If your brain is still running through a list of everything you should be doing, you're not fully resting. You're just paused in a state of tension.

Crystal 8:25

And I think that's something a lot of people don't realize because they'll say, I rested, but what they actually did was sit down while mentally spiraling. That's not rest, that's just being still while stressed.

Sarah 8:38

Another factor that makes self-care difficult is burnout. When someone has been under prolonged stress, their mental and physical energy becomes depleted. And when energy is low, even simple tasks can feel overwhelming. So the very behaviors that would help someone recover, like preparing a meal or going to bed earlier, starts to feel harder to initiate.

Crystal 8:58

Which is the worst cycle because when you're burned out, you need self-care the most. But you also have the least energy to actually do it. So everything starts to feel like too much, even things that used to be easy.

Sarah 9:10

That's because burnout affects executive functioning. The brain's ability to plan, initiate, and complete tasks become less efficient. It's not just that someone doesn't want to take care of themselves, it's that the system responsible for organizing those behaviors is under strain.

Crystal 9:26

So now you're tired, overwhelmed, and your brain isn't helping you get out of it. Great.

Sarah 9:31

And then there's overwhelm. When people have too many responsibilities or stressors at once, the brain prioratory is the prioratory is just priority. Your brain's overwhelming. Well, it's prior, it's prioritizing, not saying that word right. Their brain is prioritizing immediate demands over long-term maintenance. So self-care gets pushed aside, not because it isn't important, but because it doesn't feel urgent in that moment.

Crystal 9:57

And even though it becomes urgent later, that's the part. You skip sleep, skip meals, skip rest, and eventually your body forces you to stop, anyways. But now it's not optional. Now it's burnout, illness, or complete exhaustion.

Sarah 10:11

Right. Self-care is often preventative. Stop laughing. You just said right. Right. Right. Self-care is preventative. It helps maintain stability so the system doesn't reach that point. But when the people are cons when wow, but when the people, the people, who people, but when people are consistently reacting to stress instead of maintaining balance, the system becomes reactive instead of regulated.

Crystal 10:41

And I think a lot of people live in that reactive state without realizing it. They're constantly putting out buyers, handling the next thing, managing the next problem, getting through the next day, but there's no space for recovery in between.

Sarah 10:55

And without that recovery, the body doesn't get the opportunity to reset, which is why long-term stress can have such a significant impact on both mental and physical health.

Crystal 11:04

So it's not that people don't care about themselves. It's that they were never really taught how to take care of themselves in a way that actually supports their system. And then there are times where self-care doesn't just feel hard. It feels impossible, not inconvenient, not annoying, just completely out of reach. Like even the smallest things feel overwhelming. Getting out of bed feels like a task, making food feels like too much, responding to a message feels like climbing a mountain. And in those moments, hearing just take care of yourself can feel almost insulting because it sounds simple to someone on the outside, but when you're in it, it's not simple at all.

Sarah 11:44

That experience is often tied to what we call reduced executive functioning. Executive functioning refers to the brain's ability to plan, initiate, organize, and follow through on a task. When someone is dealing with high stress, burnout, anxiety, depression, or trauma, those systems can become less efficient. So even basic tasks require more effort. It's not just about motivation, it's about the brain's ability to translate intention into action.

Crystal 12:10

Which explains that feeling of knowing what you should do and still not doing it. You're sitting there thinking, I should eat, I should shower, I should get up, and your body just doesn't move. And then on top of that, you start judging yourself for it. So now it's not just hard. Now you feel guilty for struggling.

Sarah 12:28

And that self-judgment actually makes the process harder because when the brain perceives criticism or pressure, it can increase stress responses. That added stress can further reduce the ability to initiate tasks. So it becomes a cycle. Low energy leads to reduced action. Reduced action leads to self-criticism. Self-criticism increases stress, and stress makes actions even harder. It's just a huge beast.

Crystal 12:53

So now you're stuck in this loop, you're exhausted, overwhelmed, mad at yourself, all at the same time, which is a terrible combination.

Sarah 13:03

This is especially common in conditions like depression. Depression is not just sadness, it often involves fatigue, reduced motivation, slowed thinking, and difficulty initiating tasks. So telling someone that's in that state to just take care of yourself doesn't address the actual barrier. The issue isn't that they don't know what to do, it's that their system doesn't have the capacity to do it in a way that it normally would.

Crystal 13:28

And I think that's something people misunderstand a lot. They think if someone isn't taking care of themselves, it means they don't care. But sometimes it's the opposite. They care. They just don't have the energy or capacity to follow through with it.

Sarah 13:42

And in these situations, self-care needs to be redefined because the standard version of self-care may not be accessible. Instead of expecting someone to complete a full routine, the focus shifts into reducing the barriers to entry. Smaller steps, lower expectations, meeting the system where it is rather than where it should be.

Crystal 14:02

Which might look like not a full workout. Just standing up and stretching, not cooking a full meal, just eating something simple, not fixing everything, just doing one small thing that moves you forward.

Sarah 14:15

That approach is often more sustainable because it works with the brain's current capacity instead of pushing against it. And over time, those small actions can help rebuild momentum.

Crystal 14:25

I think that's where people need to give themselves more credit. Because when you're in that state, even small things are not small. Getting out of bed can be a win. Drinking water can be a win. Responding to one message can be a win.

Sarah 14:38

And recognizing those wins is important because the brain responds to progress even when it's incremental. Small actions can begin to shift the system out of that stuck state.

Crystal 14:47

And that also takes some of the pressure off because instead of feeling like you have to fix everything at once, you're just focusing on the next manageable step.

Sarah 14:56

Which brings us back to what self-care actually is. It's not about doing everything perfectly, it's about maintaining enough stability for the system to function. And sometimes that starts with the very basic, very simple action.

Crystal 15:08

And honestly, most of the time, that's what real self-care looks like. Not aesthetic, not exciting, just functional. This is the part no one really talks about because the version of self-care that gets posted online looks very curated. It's soft lighting, candles, clean space, someone journaling with perfect handwriting, like they've never had a chaotic thought in their life. And that's fine, but that's not what most people's lives actually look like. Most people are tired, they're busy, they're overwhelmed, and their version of self-care doesn't look like a spa day. It looks like doing the bare minimum correctly.

Sarah 15:43

And that's actually a much more accurate definition. Real self-care is about maintaining the basic functions that keep your system stable. It's not about creating a perfect environment. It's about supporting your body and brain in the ways that allows it to continue functioning effectively. Things like getting enough sleep, eating consistently, staying hydrated, taking breaks, managing stress. These behaviors regulate the nervous system and support cognitive functioning. Without them, the system becomes less efficient.

Crystal 16:12

And that frustrating part is how simple that sounds. Because people hear that list and think, okay, I know that. But knowing it and doing it consistently are two very different things because those things require time, energy, and sometimes discipline. And when you're already overwhelmed, those are the first things to go.

Sarah 16:32

Which is why self-care has to be realistic. If a version of self-care is too complicated or time-consuming, it's less likely to be maintained. The goal is sustainability, not perfection.

Crystal 16:43

And sustainability is not aesthetic. It's not cute. It's not something you're necessarily excited about. Sometimes it's just doing something because you know it helps, even if you don't feel like doing it.

Sarah 16:55

And a lot of effective self-care behaviors are preventative. They don't feel urgent in the moment, but they reduce stress over time. For example, going to bed earlier doesn't feel urgent, but lack of sleep affects mood, attention, and emotional regulation the next day. Eating regularly doesn't feel urgent, but low blood sugar can increase irritability and reduce concentration. These are small inputs that have larger effects on overall functioning and overall health in time.

Crystal 17:22

Which is why you can feel like everything in your life is falling apart and then realize you haven't eaten or slept properly. And suddenly it makes a little more sense. Not that it fixes everything, but it explains why everything feels worse.

Sarah 17:36

That's because the brain relies on those basic inputs to regulate itself. When those needs aren't met, the system becomes more reactive.

Crystal 17:44

And I think people underestimate how much those basics matter because they're not exciting. No one is posting, I drank water today and didn't spiral. But that's real, and that's actually helpful.

Sarah 17:56

And that's where self-care needs to be reframed. It's not something you do occasionally, it's something you build into your daily routine.

Crystal 18:04

Sometimes it's not even about adding more things, it's about removing them, removing unnecessary stress, removing obligations you don't actually have to take on, removing people or situations that drain you.

Sarah 18:16

Amen. Which ties in the boundaries because protecting your time and energy is a form of self-care. Again, protecting your time and energy is a form of self-care.

Crystal 18:28

And that's where it gets uncomfortable because saying no is not always easy, especially if you're used to being that person who always says yes to everything.

Sarah 18:37

But without boundaries, self-care can become much harder to maintain because your time and energy are constantly being redirected outwards and to other people.

Crystal 18:46

And then you're left with whatever is left over, which is usually not not a lot at all.

Sarah 18:52

Which is why self-care often requires intentional choices. You're not just reacting to what happened around you, but actively deciding what you have the capacity for.

Crystal 19:02

And I think that's the biggest shift. Realizing that self-care isn't something extra you do when you have time. It's something that determines how much capacity you have in the first place. And I think that this next part is the part that people avoid the most when it comes to self-care because drinking water is easy to agree with. Getting more sleep makes so much sense. But boundaries, that's where things get uncomfortable because boundaries don't just affect you, they affect other people.

Sarah 19:33

And that's exactly why they're difficult. Setting boundaries often require changing patterns that involve other people's expectations. If someone is used to saying yes, being available, or taking on responsibility for others, then setting a boundary disrupts that dynamic. And when a dynamic changes, people may respond to that change. Not always negatively, but not always comfortably either.

Crystal 19:55

And that's where the guilt comes in because you say no to something and immediately your brain starts listing all the reasons why you should have just said yes. You feel like you're letting someone down, you feel like you're being difficult, you feel like you're being selfish.

Sarah 20:08

But that reaction is learned. If someone has been conditioned to prioritize other people's needs over their own, then choosing themselves will feel uncomfortable at first. That discomfort doesn't mean the boundary is wrong. It means it's unfamiliar.

Crystal 20:22

And unfamiliar feels wrong, even when it actually is the healthier choice.

Sarah 20:27

Exactly. And without boundaries, self-care becomes very difficult to maintain because your time, energy, and attention are constantly being allocated to external demands. There's no protected space for recovery.

Crystal 20:40

And then you end up in that place where you're overwhelmed, exhausted, and wondering how you got there. But if you look at it honestly, it's usually because you said yes too many times to too many things. Things you didn't have time for, things you didn't have energy for, things you didn't even want to do in the first freaking place.

Sarah 20:59

And that's where boundaries become preventative. They're not just about protecting yourself in the moment, they're about preventing long-term burnout.

Crystal 21:07

And I think people assume boundaries have to be dramatic, like cutting people off or have some big confrontation. But most of the time it's much simpler than that. It's saying, I can't do that right now. I don't have the capacity for that. I need to rest.

Sarah 21:22

And importantly, those statements don't require over-explanation. They do not require over-explanation. You don't have to explain yourself. Boundaries can be clear and respectful without being lengthy or defensive. Over-explaining often comes from discomfort, but a boundary can stand on its own without justification.

Crystal 21:40

And that's another thing people struggle with because they feel like they need a really good reason to say no. Like it has to be justified. But sometimes that reason is just you don't have the capacity, and that's it.

Sarah 21:52

I just don't need to. Capacity is a valid limit. And recognizing your limit is a key part of self regulation. If someone Consistently ignores their limits, the body will eventually enforce them through exhaustion or stress.

Crystal 22:06

Which is when people hit that wall where they can't keep up anymore, they can't say yes anymore, and now everything feels like too much.

Sarah 22:12

And at that point, recovery takes longer because the system has been pushed beyond its sustainable limits.

Crystal 22:18

So boundaries are not about being difficult, they're about being realistic.

Sarah 22:23

And they're a form of self-respect. They reflect an understanding of your own capacity and willingness to protect it.

Crystal 22:30

Realizing that saying no to something doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're taking care of yourself in a way that allows you to actually function long-term.

Sarah 22:39

And when boundaries are in place, self-care becomes more sustainable because your energy is no longer being constantly depleted.

Crystal 22:46

And that's when things start to feel a little more manageable. Not perfect, not easy, but manageable. I think one of the biggest shifts with self-care is realizing that it's not something you earn. It's not a reward for getting everything done. It's, I mean, you could do that, but it's it's usually not something you wait to do until you're already exhausted. Because by that point, you're not really taking care of yourself. You're trying to recover from not doing it sooner.

Sarah 23:12

Self-care is maintenance. It is a set of behaviors that allows your body and your mind to function in a stable and sustainable way. And without that maintenance, the system becomes less efficient over time. Stress increases, energy decreases, and the ability to regulate emotions and focus becomes way more difficult. Not to mention, that's when mental health tends to creep in more and other health issues.

Crystal 23:38

I think a lot of people are used to operating like that, running on low energy, pushing through, telling themselves to rest later. But that later doesn't always come. Or when it does, it looks like burnout instead of rest.

Sarah 23:50

And that's why self-care has to be consistent. Not perfect, not aesthetically pleasing, just consistent. Small behaviors repeated over time that supports the system.

Crystal 24:00

And sometimes that's not exciting. Sometimes it's just going to bed, drinking water, saying no, taking a break. Things that don't feel like a big deal, but actually are.

Sarah 24:11

Because those small behaviors create stability, and stability allows everything else to function more effectively.

Crystal 24:17

And I think that's the part people need to hear. You don't need to completely change your life overnight. You don't need a perfect routine. You don't need to suddenly become the most disciplined version of yourself. You just need to start paying attention to what your body and mind actually need and respond to it.

Sarah 24:34

And that response doesn't have to be complicated. It just has to be intentional.

Crystal 24:38

Because at the end of the day, you're the one living in your body. You're the one dealing with the stress. You're the one carrying the exhaustion. So taking care of yourself isn't extra. It's necessary.

Sarah 24:49

Self-care isn't a luxury. It's the reason you're able to keep showing up in your life at all.

Crystal 24:55

So we wanted to come on here too as well and talk about some things that we do for our self-care. So, Sarah, what's some things that you do for self-care?

Sarah 25:04

Oh no. Oh no. Okay, so I have gotten into the bad habit of. I mean, we've been talking about it being like, okay, make sure that you are taking care of your sleep, your hydrate. I don't hydrate to save my life. I really need to. I need to get on that. But these little changes can help day to day. And I take, I do take time, I do meditate, I do listen to ASMR, stuff like that. But usually I'll do it like in bed and I'm about to go to sleep. That helps like put me to sleep. But I also try to keep a routine when it comes to going to bed too.

Crystal 25:43

I hate ASMR. I don't know what it is. Except cleaning is I can watch that all day long.

Sarah 25:49

But the noises that I with this episode, I thought about doing making an actual like ASMR like self-care, just us talking like a voice of ASMR.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

Oh I really like how do you do yeah, so that like people, but I don't know. Everybody doesn't like ASMR. Yeah, and then they just I like that stuff.

Sarah 26:08

Oh because there's certain noises and certain things. There's there's science behind it. We can do an episode on ASMR just in general later, because it's too much to go into right now. But there's science behind it, like neurolog neurologically that helps.

Crystal 26:22

I heard it scratches an itch that you can't scratch on the outside. It's an inside itch that's scratched on the brain.

Sarah 26:29

Right. Maybe I don't I don't know the full details of it. It does not do that for me. I I do those things and I I take time or try to force myself into a schedule of I need to make sure that I get these things done. So the things I can tell you that I'm worst with is water intake and eating regularly. And obviously, sleep. I have sleep, a sleep disorder, so it doesn't help. But these things develop over time because you're constantly putting yourself in these constant state of stress.

Crystal 27:02

I think that comes with being a mom, though. I think that we I think I think moms have the worst self-care needing doing it.

Sarah 27:10

Well, because we have to put them first. There's no question about it. They their needs come first.

Crystal 27:16

I mean, yeah, but at the same time, I feel like we're the worst at it. Because if I just sit there and like they're finally in bed and I'm just sitting and scrolling, and then I'm like, I feel guilty because either one, I could be getting sleep, or two, I should be doing something, but instead I'm like doom scrolling on my phone in the couch because I need that time to myself, but then I feel guilty for it because now I'm missing sleep. I'm not going to bed early. Like I'm I'm not putting that part first, but I feel like at the same time I am putting that first because that's something I wanted to do.

Sarah 27:50

I feel like there's no It's not a bad thing to sit there and scroll. It's not a bad thing to take time, go for a walk, whatever it is that makes you feel better, but you're also putting off other things, and it's hard not to think about it, especially if you already have other disorders like depression, anxiety, neurodivergence just in general tends to make tasks harder to start. So just it sounds seems like you're procrastinating in a way by scrolling and doing all these different things, watching another episode, reading a chapter, whatever it is. At the same time, though, if it is actually helping you de stress, fine, that's okay. But make sure that you're taking those times to take a bath or a shower or whatever it is to kind of wake your system up, given that that self-care is really important, is the inner self-care, the mental self-care, the health. It's not easy to do, it's hard to find time. And of course, the more life goes on, the more things come into play, right? So you have kids, that's now a stressor added. You might have other animals that you adopt. You might have to do something like if you go back to school like me, you have to reincorporate that as well as doctor appointments for yourself and your kids. There's so many things that come into play when it's life. Things are added regardless, right? And then, of course, people want your time. But I have always, and this is something I will always do if you know about me. The one thing that comes first is my kids, my family. And by family, I mean my kids, my husband, and me. We are number one. Family outside of that, number two, basically.

Crystal 29:32

I mean, that's how it should be. And it kind of ripples outwards. Should be your main priority.

Sarah 29:39

And I come from a broken family background, so I don't have the sense of generational family support. You know what I mean? So if you have that great, I'm not like gonna say anything bad about it. I want to create that generational support, if that makes sense. The inside, bring it back out, yeah. Yeah, because a lot of it has fallen through over generations.

Crystal 29:59

Or a lot of, but you know what? The the problem with that though is that it becomes toxic too. You have to find the perfect medium because some people take it so seriously about the whole inside first thing, because you know, like, especially like you know, moms with their sons or something, or like people with their daughters.

Sarah 30:17

Well, there's cultural, there's different cultural things that go into play as well. Because if you're in a collective, collectivist mindset, like Asian culture, where you we work you you help the family and group dynamic, whereas individualism, whereas Americans tend to be more individualistic, we're focusing on themselves and rather than community, not in a selfish way, but I feel like a lot of like the generational-wise, they forget that the family so the family that they created, they're like, that's it.

Crystal 30:46

But then when your kids get older and make their own families, that family should be their main priority, and the family that they came from should be their second priority. But a lot of people don't see it that way. Some people see it like, oh, you you should put us first, not because I made you, I put you in this world, so on and so forth.

Sarah 31:03

Yeah, I didn't ask to be here. Yeah, you made that decision, and what you put me through as I grew up was also your decision. So um but even if it wasn't like even if they had like a but we I also come from a family where two they hush hush when it they pr they say that they didn't know that there were things going on behind closed doors, but there were definitely things going on behind closed doors that they knew about, but they said they didn't, but they wanted to protect the family. I do not protect my family. If you're a chomo, bye. Bye. Nope. I don't know. If you have issues, if you have issues that are gonna cause my kids trauma, possibly, sorry. No, friends, if you're listening to this and you're supportive, I appreciate you and taking the time because this is taking time out of yourself for self-development. If you're not supportive, what are you doing here? Right. Why are you even here? Why are you listening? Why don't you hate stop hating? But there are people that also they they want that attention, they need that that best friend or that friend that needs more, you know. Oh, I forgot what they're called. High maintenance friends. Yeah, yeah. They're people that need that attention, or you don't hang out with me, or you don't do this and this stuff. I'm telling you, what comes first in my life is my central family. Anything outside of that's extra. And my right now, schooling, and self-care, because we we divert 100%, but self-care, yes. No, I self-care is is part of my my functioning. Yeah, it is like I have I've it's taken so long to develop where I'm at, yeah. Right, and I'm not saying I'm perfect and I've got I'm stressed, depressed, and gonna be 10 times that soon. Medicated, but right, medicated, and that's fine, that's okay too. But like that's part of self-care is figuring out what is best for you and your system and yourself and being okay to tell people no, whether they're close or not close. And honestly, nobody is worth, and if they cared about me enough and they understand me enough, then it's not worth the added stress.

Crystal 33:09

Yeah, you know what I mean? You should be able to say, Hey, I I just can't do this today.

Sarah 33:13

There are plenty of friends that if I pick up the phone now and I just start talking to them, we're gonna have a great conversation. And I might not have talked for five years.

Crystal 33:20

You have other friends beside me.

Sarah 33:22

Ooh, so quick again, high maintenance friends. No, I'm just kidding. No, you're one of those people who like you didn't call, are you good? Like, are you alive? Yeah, you're alive. Okay, great. Clear sometimes, like, I mean, and it and that's and that's again, uh we we digress. Self-care is really important, and the biggest thing with self-care is your boundaries and making sure your boundaries are strong. And the people that have a problem with your boundaries are the ones that do not understand boundaries or understand you enough to care, in my opinion.

Crystal 33:59

Yeah, I think I think my problem is executive function. Like, I know what I should be doing, I just can't do the thing that I need to be doing.

Sarah 34:07

That's also part of different mental health issues.

Crystal 34:10

Yeah, it's like when you can see the dishes and I'm like, I'm gonna do the dishes. I'm gonna do the dishes. I need to make the dishes. They stink.

Sarah 34:17

I gotta do the no. No. It's the it's a hard task. I mean, it's a multi-step task. It can literally paralyze you. It's like couch potatoes.

Crystal 34:25

Depending on couch potatoes get a bad rap, but in reality, a lot of us couch potatoes are just like in this overspressed, depressed. Or like our brain goes to a million things at once. Like it's because you can't just do the dishes.

Sarah 34:38

Right.

Crystal 34:39

Because if you do the dishes, you have to clean the counters.

Sarah 34:41

It's not even the couch potatoes, it's depression.

Crystal 34:44

Well, you clean the counters, now you gotta clean the stove. You clean the stove, now you gotta clean the floor. Now, not only are you sweeping the floor, now you gotta mop the floor, because then what was the point of sweeping it if you're not gonna mop it? And then the whole dishes aren't just dishes.

Sarah 34:57

And at my age, my back's yelling at me too, like, what are you doing?

Crystal 35:00

Why are we doing this?

Sarah 35:02

Why are we doing this? Again, self-care. I have to take time out to also go to physical therapy, other medical appointments, because life is life in, okay? So it's not impossible to do, but the longer you neglect that self-care and neglect the basic needs, the harder it is for you to get back into a good, healthy system. And I'm saying take that time, take a vacation, take care of it. But it takes time.

Crystal 35:28

Yeah, it takes time. It's not gonna happen overnight. You have to just keep doing it. And our problem is we like instant gratification.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

Yeah.

Crystal 35:37

But we have to learn that that can't happen. We have to you know, drink water here and there.

Sarah 35:44

Sometimes you gotta take an air break if you're not a smoker. You know what I mean? Like you gotta go take a step outside, and it should be okay. Just like somebody who's take a smoke break at work. They should be someone should be able to take a break, step outside, take a deep breath, ground themselves if they're feeling stress out, and go back in. Touch some grass. I'm I mean, if you go to the bathroom, yeah, touch some grass. No, for real. Like there is there is things about being grounded and touching earth and touching things and and being re-centered. It's pseudoscience. There's nothing really to say that this works or not, but if it works and it is a placebo or you feel better, I ain't knocking it.

Crystal 36:17

We're just saying about meditation too.

Sarah 36:19

Um, well, yeah, yeah. We can talk about a lot of things when it comes to as well as well as self-care. Because those are things that are helpful to some, but not all. Yeah, meditation doesn't always work for people. Sometimes it's just a nap for some people, and that's okay. If it ends up just being a nap and that not actual like mindfulness practicing, that's okay. But I do a lot of that, and I've had to learn a lot with saying no. Because a lot I was trained in in the military, you don't really say no a lot, especially if it's just basic stuff that you need to do and it's not unlawful. Obviously, you say no and you speak up if there's like ethical dilemmas and different things like that. But a lot of times it's like, okay, shut up and color, just do what I need to do, get through the day. And that's a lot of jobs in general, but I'm not sacrificing my nose.

Crystal 37:06

But a lot of that's how you're raised, too. A lot of us were meant to be seen and not heard, and just do as you're told.

Sarah 37:12

Yeah, and and you're expected to do all these things and to have everything in order and or my favorite line, you know, do as I say, not as I do. Right. Right. We love that for us. It it makes I'm I've always been like, if I'm gonna tell you to do something, I also am that type of person. Like, I'm not gonna tell you to do something I won't do. I don't like to, at least. Or I might tell you I don't like doing this or want to do this, but we gotta do this.

Crystal 37:39

I've always Oh yeah, I always tell you to drink more water, but look, that's what I was saying.

Sarah 37:44

What if we can practice what we preach here? Yeah, that would be great. But we do for the most part. You do we do our best. And if you mess up, that doesn't mean spiral downward and say, Oh, well, I can't take care of myself anymore. Send me to the nursing home. It's it's hone back in, figure out what it is. Okay, I need to drink more water, I need to take vitamins because I'm not eating right. Whatever it is, take those extra steps. Whether it's and usually it can get done pretty quick, like a bath to a shower, depending. I prefer baths because I got back pain. So I do an Epsom salt bath, but it could take what 15 to 20 minutes if that I got taught to go quick, like get in out. I was like that. So everything I do is quick eating, all these things, and they're always so inconvenient, but they're normal things to life, if that makes sense. Yeah, like I know some people enjoy eating in European countries. A lot of them like to sit down, actually sit there, read the menu, get their food, leisurely eat.

Crystal 38:45

Yeah, like it's a thing.

Sarah 38:47

It's not a it's not like okay, eat real quick and get going to do something else. So they actually take the time sit down and have a conversation, enjoy themselves. I did that when I was over in Europe and I drew and I wanted to take that time for myself and live like they would. And oh my god, it felt so great.

Crystal 39:04

Well, too, you know, I think a lot of people too has a harder time with the family-wise, like if you have kids and stuff like that, but why not include the kids in the self-care? Because kids need self-care too, just like you do. So if you can include them too as well, and you guys just do like a family self-care day, like it's board games, it's getting away from electronics, it's just spending time together as a family, maybe eating dinner around. Yeah. And teaching them to be like already doing self-care before it gets too late, and now we're do you remember who taught you to brush your teeth? I assume it was my mom.

Sarah 39:44

I assume. I think it was. I I d there was a lot of things. Um I was very dirty kid because we grew up with no electricity and not all the way up. Like I was taken away when I was about eight years old. We left the like nomad type life my dad was trying to live, I guess. And I don't nothing against nomads the way I said that, but you know what I mean? Like he didn't no running water, no electricity, we were dirty, we never were eating anything. Like it was it was bad. But when we finally like moved into a place where we were having a normal-ish life, like I don't remember I had to get my own food, I had to get my own all these different things. I was always an independent person. Nobody really taught me basic health needs how to organize either. So I am terrible at organizing because nobody's ever taught me, okay, this is how you should organize. Now I have an OCD, and I say OCD in like a non-clinical diagnosis way, but like in an actual like this is how it needs to be done. I get frustrated. Like my husband will not build furniture with me and do these things.

Crystal 40:49

Oh, it's like the dishes.

Sarah 40:51

I have a problem. The dishes control.

Crystal 40:53

The dishes have to be a certain way.

Sarah 40:54

Yeah. When you're stacking them too, and be like, how do you not know to stack them this way?

Crystal 40:58

Or how to put them in the dishwasher. Right. Like it has to be a certain way.

Sarah 41:01

And I bet you if we went to do it together, it would not be the same.

Crystal 41:04

I mean we would have to put the bowls on top and the plates on the bottom. Yes. Then we do it the same. Kind of. But husband just puts some willy-nilly wherever they fit is where they fit.

Sarah 41:13

And right now I am having a like I need to go to your house and clean. No, I'm just kidding. Not not really. But I wish I had that motivation. I need to clean my house. I'll be more willing to clean other people's houses than my own. Me too. Same thing with cooking for the house. And that's the thing, is like, I'm like, let's do it. I was never really taught growing up basic skills to take care of yourself. I I didn't. Like, I I can think back and I had terrible hygiene growing up. Like, terrible hygiene. And I had to relearn it as an adult because I had terrible hygiene even then with depression and postpartum and all these different things because different stressors cause different issues. And that's what we need to focus on, right? It's honing in on teaching our kids how to take care of themselves, boundaries, especially. I don't ask my kids for hugs. I mean, I ask my kids for hugs and kisses. I don't just do it. If they come up to me and do it, that's fine. I sometimes might forget, but usually not. Like I'll ask. Oh. But that's just me. I don't ask. Because I want them to learn that if they say no, it's okay. Yeah, I don't make them go hug somebody that they don't want to hug.

Crystal 42:22

Like I'm not like, go hug your family because they're your family. I don't do that. If my kids say nah, I don't know if you know this, I always want to talk to kids too. Don't don't talk to them.

Sarah 42:31

Like, I don't make them-I don't go, where is my hug? Because that's like an expectation.

Crystal 42:35

Yeah. I I kind of do a little bit. I'm like, here, talk to them. And I just put them on blast. But if they're just like, nah, I'm not gonna like chase them down and be like, talk to this person.

Sarah 42:44

Yeah, but it helps build autonomy. Yeah, so they know their own feelings and that their boundaries are okay. And that if somebody steps over them, they know to speak up too.

Crystal 42:54

Yeah. Pre-initiating self-care in our children.

Sarah 42:58

Exactly.

Crystal 42:58

Long story short, you know, include your kids in the self-care.

Sarah 43:02

Now, I did have bed times and stuff like that. So that did help when I was growing up. We had bedtimes. We do it with them too for the most part. We're not the greatest with it. Like on the weekends and like spring break and stuff, we kind of let them go wild. But like we have a nine o'clock, they go to bed, and then they have like about a two-hour block to fall asleep.

Crystal 43:23

To wind and do their own.

Sarah 43:24

To unwind and do their own. Not like they're in their room. I'll let them watch TV. It's set for two hours to go off. I know that's like, oh my gosh, it's so terrible. Blah blah blah. Everyone parents different. It works for me. I have kids on the autism spectrum or a kid on the autism spectrum, so don't judge.

Crystal 43:40

Yeah, some some need different needs. Like mine need the 6 30 bedtime. Like mine have to be like I don't make them go to sleep at 6 30, but by 6 30, they're in bed because they need time for their brain to shut down, focus, and for them to get to sleep because mine need that extra sleep.

Sarah 43:58

You get up your kids also get up earlier than mine.

Crystal 44:00

Yeah, mine get up.

Sarah 44:00

Because they gotta get picked up at further bus and all that stuff. Yeah, mine get up at like 5 15, 5 30. Yeah. So and again, we're not making parent advice. We're not saying, hey, what we're doing is right. But like these are basic things that people don't think about. We're rewiring the kids when they're younger to hopefully create better boundaries and understanding themselves and autonomy to be able to speak up for themselves and understand that other people also have needs and that we they need to respect those boundaries as well. Just because you have a certain thing or way you like to do things doesn't mean that everyone else has to play by those rules. So it's important to set those boundaries, take care of yourself. I guess we should call this more boundaries because we have talked about self-care, but a lot of it is boundaries. It's very important to have those.

Crystal 44:51

It's boundaries with yourself too, and your your own self and your own brain. And we really should have titled this boundaries.

Sarah 44:58

I know. It's okay for like you two to take that time if if you happen to not take care of yourself or be able to that day, or you missed a lunch or whatever. It's okay. Life happens, things happen. The biggest thing is pulling yourself out of it and rewarding yourself when you do do those things, whether it's bubbles in your bath when you take a bath, right? Or you know, healthy, healthy ways of doing things. When you if you go to sleep early and you actually sleep through the night and you do good, give yourself an extra shot of espresso. I don't know, whatever it is you want to. You can add, eat that donut. Whatever it is that you want to do, if if something like tangible helps you be motivated, great, that's fine. If it's reassurance from maybe a partner, I got sleep or whatever, and they'd be like, Yeah, fiss bump, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 45:50

Yeah.

Sarah 45:52

You know, whatever. Great kisses. I don't know, whatever it is you and your significant other likes to do. I'm gonna wrap this up now because we have just been trailed off. We've done trailed off, talked about boundaries, talked about things that probably doesn't matter, but that's okay because it's our podcast and we do what we want. So and I'm not saying sorry because that's my boundary. Boundaries are important. Take care of yourself, step back, take a deep breath. Sometimes even just taking a breath is self-care. So take a deep breath. Get you a squeezy ball. Figure out what things are important to you that need realignment and start small.

Crystal 46:26

Learn to let go.

Sarah 46:28

Learn to let go, enforce those boundaries, and be okay with no. Be okay with people saying no to you and not being offended by it. Because they also have their own boundaries and they're they're their main character. Unless they're just being a dick. I mean, whatever. Let them be. Goodbye, I don't want to deal with you. That's just my mentality is keep your boundaries strong and understand that you're living in someone else's story as a sideline character.

SPEAKER_01 46:58

Yeah.

Sarah 46:58

And sometimes you have to play that role.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

Yeah.

Sarah 47:01

You're not always the main character.

unknown 47:03

Yeah.

Sarah 47:03

Unfortunately, for me. Sorry. But sometimes you gotta take that seat, right? Yep. Take a breath. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be good to each other.

Crystal 47:16

And yourself.

Sarah 47:16

And yourself, especially. Love yourself. Not too much though.

Crystal 47:22

I mean that's it's a form of self-care.

Sarah 47:24

I mean, do you boo-boo?

Crystal 47:25

I'm game.

SPEAKER_03 47:29

Thank you for listening. Please like and subscribe. Please follow us on social media. I just don't need to.