Accidentally Successful

What if the voice in your head telling you “you don’t belong here”… isn’t telling you the truth?

In this episode of The Marionette Dolls Podcast, we unpack imposter syndrome—what it actually feels like, where it comes from, and why it tends to show up the most in people who are capable but don’t feel like they are.

We talk about the internal narrative of “they’re going to find me out,” how background and lived experience shape self-perception, and why success can feel uncomfortable or even undeserved—especially when you’re stepping into spaces that weren’t built with you in mind.

Sarah shares her personal journey from foster care to military life to pursuing psychology, and how breaking out of expected paths can feel less like achievement… and more like you’re doing something you’re not supposed to be doing.

This episode isn’t about “fixing” imposter syndrome overnight—it’s about understanding the cycle, recognizing the patterns, and learning how to move forward even when that voice is still there.

Because you’re not accidentally successful.

🔗 RESOURCES & FURTHER INFORMATION

If you want to explore this topic further or need support, here are some helpful resources:

• American Psychological Association
   https://www.apa.org
  
  (Research-based articles on self-doubt, cognitive patterns, and mental health)
• National Institute of Mental Health
   https://www.nimh.nih.gov
  
  (General mental health education and research-backed information)
• Anxiety Canada
   https://www.anxietycanada.com
  
  (Helpful tools for managing anxious thoughts and self-doubt patterns)
• The Impostor Phenomenon
   (Foundational work on imposter syndrome and how it develops)

Transcript

Crystal 0:00

Welcome back to the dollhouse.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm Crystal and I'm Sarah and we are the Marionette of just how to twist it. I shouldn't remember I should applauding your wicked little plan.

Sarah 0:33

I want to start this one a little differently. Not with a definition, not with research, not with anything that sounds like a textbook explanation of what imposter syndrome is supposed to be. Because most people don't connect to it in that way. You don't hear the definition and suddenly realize, oh, that's me. You recognize it in the moment. Usually a quiet one, though kind of moment that doesn't look like anything from the outside, but internally something shifts. It's that moment where you walked into a space where you worked to be in a job, a classroom, an opportunity. And so instead of feeling proud or even just neutral, there's this quiet thought sitting in the back of your mind that doesn't match the reality of the situation. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. And it doesn't come in loud, it doesn't feel dramatic. It almost feels like awareness, like you're noticing something that other people haven't picked up on yet. And what you think you're noticing is that you don't belong in the space the way everyone else does.

Crystal 1:31

Yeah, and what's weird about that is it doesn't feel like insecurity when it's happening. That's the part that always gets me. It doesn't feel like anxiety where you can step back and go, okay, this is just my brain overreacting. It feels like you're actually being honest with yourself, like you're the only one in the room who sees the situation clearly, and everyone else is just going along with it. And I think that's why it sticks so hard because you trust that thought. You don't question it right away. You don't go, maybe that's not true. You go, okay, something's off, and I need to figure out what it is before someone else does. And then you start watching yourself, like really watching yourself, the way you talk, the way you respond, the way you answer questions. You start picking apart everything in real time. Trying to make sure nothing you do confirms that fear.

Sarah 2:22

Exactly. And once that starts, it doesn't stay contained to one moment. It spreads into everything. You're not just in the room anymore. You're analyzing yourself in the room. You start thinking, did that sound right? Did I pause too long? Did they notice I hesitated? And nothing actually has to go wrong for it to feel like something did. That's the part that's so difficult to explain to people who haven't experienced it. Because from the outside, everything you do can look completely normal. You're functioning, you're showing up, and you're doing what you're supposed to do. But internally, there's this constant evaluation happening.

Crystal 2:56

Yeah, it's like you're grading yourself the entire time, not even fairly. Like you're not giving yourself the benefit of the doubt at all. You're looking for mistakes, and even when there aren't any obvious ones, you still feel like you missed something. And I think that's what makes it worse is when people around you actually think you're doing well because then it almost feels like they just haven't noticed yet. Like they're giving you credit based on something they think you are, not something you actually are. And that's where it starts to feel like you're getting away with something.

Sarah 3:30

Yes, that's exactly it. It starts to feel like you're not succeeding, you're slipping through. And instead of thinking, I earned this, the narrative becomes I got lucky. And not just once. Every time something goes right, there's an explanation for it that removes you from the equation. It wasn't that hard. Anyone could have done that. They just needed someone. And what you're doing in those moments is you're disconnecting yourself from your own success. You're allowing the outcome to exist, but you're not allowing yourself to be the reason for it.

Crystal 4:03

And I think people don't realize how automatic that becomes. Like you're not sitting there intentionally trying to tear yourself down. It just happens. Your brain feels in the explanation before you even get a chance to think about it. And over time, it kind of becomes your default. Like even if something big happens, something you should be proud of, you don't sit in that feeling. You move past it really quickly, or you shrink it down so it doesn't feel as significant. And I think part of that is because actually owning it feels uncomfortable.

Sarah 4:35

Yes. And that discomfort is really important to talk about because a lot of people assume imposter syndrome is just about self-doubt. But it's not always that simple. Sometimes it's about what you're used to believing about yourself. If you spent most of your life feeling like you had to catch up or to prove yourself or to operate from a place where success didn't feel expected, then suddenly being in a position where you are successful can feel out of place. It doesn't match your internal baseline.

Crystal 5:03

It's like your brain goes, this doesn't line up with what we know about ourselves.

Sarah 5:07

And instead of adjusting that belief, your brain adjusts the explanation. So you don't change the thought, I don't belong here. You change the story around your success to support that thought.

Crystal 5:17

It's actually kind of wild when you say it like that because it means you're not lacking evidence. You're just rewriting it.

Sarah 5:24

Yes. And that's why this can persist even as people grow, because growth doesn't automatically change your internal narrative. You can move forward in your life, step into new spaces, achieve new things, and still be operating from the same beliefs you had years ago.

Crystal 5:39

Which means every new level just feels like a bigger risk.

Sarah 5:43

Because now it's not just I don't belong. It becomes, I have to prove I belong. And that pressure changes everything. It changes how you show up, how much you overthink, how much you push yourself. Because now you're not just doing the thing, you're trying to justify your presence while doing it.

Crystal 6:00

And that's exhausting because there's no finish line for that. There's no point where you go, okay, I've proven it. It just keeps moving. Like even if you hit one goal, your brain immediately goes, Okay, but that doesn't mean anything yet. Or that was just one time, or now you have to keep doing it. And you never actually get to feel settled.

Sarah 6:20

There's no point where you fully land in where you are, because the moment you get close to that feeling, it shifts. Now it's not, I made it, it's okay, but can I stay here? And that's where it really starts to feel like a loop. It is. And that's the loop we're going to start breaking down in this episode because this isn't about people who aren't capable. This is about people who are and don't feel like they are. So if that first section is the feeling, this is the voice that gives that feeling structure. Because imposter syndrome isn't just a vague sense of discomfort. It's not just walking into a room and feeling out of place. There's a narrative running underneath that feeling. And it's specific, it's repetitive, and it sounds a certain way. And once you hear it, clearly you start to realize it's been there a lot longer than you thought. And one of the core thoughts that show up in that narrative is the idea that at some point someone is going to figure you out. Not immediately, not in an obvious dramatic way, but eventually. Like there's this moment waiting somewhere in the future where everything you've been doing, every conversation, every success and every opportunity is going to catch up to you. And someone is going to look at you and realize you're not as capable as we thought you were. And what's unsettling about that thought is how calm it feels. It doesn't feel like panic. It doesn't feel like exaggeration. It feels patient, like it's just waiting its turn.

Crystal 7:43

Yeah, and I think that's what makes it stick so much. It doesn't feel like you're spiraling. It feels like you're being realistic, like you're just acknowledging something early before it becomes a problem. And I think that's where it gets really heavy because we're not reacting to something that's happening. You're reacting to something you believe is inevitable. It's not what if I mess up? It's when they figure out that I already have. And that changes how you move through everything. Because now you're not just doing the thing, you're managing the idea that it's temporary, that at some point this version of you that everyone else sees is gonna fall apart.

Sarah 8:20

And because that moment hasn't happened yet, there's nothing concrete to challenge it. There's no clear evidence that it's wrong, so your brain keeps it alive, it keeps reinforcing it quietly. Just wait. They haven't noticed yet. You're getting away with it. And that word yet is what keeps the whole thing running because it turns every success into something temporary and it removes stability from anything you accomplish. You don't feel like you're building something, you feel like you're maintaining something that could collapse at any point.

Crystal 8:51

Like you're holding something up instead of standing on it.

Sarah 8:54

That's such a good way to put it. You're not grounded in what you've done, you're balancing it, trying to keep it from tipping over. And because of that, when something goes well, you don't experience it in the way most people think you would. You don't feel proud, you don't feel confident, you don't even really feel relieved for very long. You feel like you got through it, like you avoided something.

Crystal 9:16

Like you didn't succeed, you just didn't fail. And those feel completely different. Because when you succeed, there's something you can take from that. There's something that builds on itself, but when you feel like you just didn't fail, there's nothing to hold on to. It doesn't carry forward, it just resets. So the next time you're in that situation, you don't think I've done this before, you think I barely got through it the last time.

Sarah 9:40

And that's where this narrative starts to compound because every experience that should build confidence doesn't. It just reinforces the idea that you're surviving, not belonging. And over time, that becomes your baseline. You start approaching things not with curiosity or even just neutral expectations, but with this underlying pressure that you have to keep proving something that you don't fully believe is true.

Crystal 10:03

And I think that's where people get stuck because it starts to feel like the only way to stay where you are is to constantly overperform. Like you can't just be at the level you're at. You have to go above it just to keep up the image that you think everyone else sees. And that's exhausting because there's no point where you get to relax into it.

Sarah 10:23

Yes, and that overperformance isn't coming from confidence, it's coming from fear. Fear of being exposed, fear of not knowing something, fear of making a mistake in the wrong moment. And what makes that even more complicated is how you start interpreting normal experiences. Because not knowing something is normal. Making mistakes is normal. Learning in real time is normal. But through this narrative, none of these things feel normal. They feel like evidence.

Crystal 10:48

Like if you don't know something, it's not I'm learning, it's this is it. Like this is the moment where it starts to fall apart.

Sarah 10:56

And that interpretation changes everything because you know you're not just experiencing the moment, you're assigning meaning to it in real time. And that meaning always points back to the same belief. I don't belong here.

Crystal 11:08

And I think another layer to that is how you start filtering other people. Because it's not just your own thoughts anymore, it's how you interpret what everyone else is doing. Like if someone compliments you, it doesn't lie in the way it's supposed to. You don't just accept it, you question it. You start thinking, do they actually mean that? Or are they just being nice? Do they even know enough to say that? And instead of taking it in, you kind of push it away before it can even sit.

Sarah 11:36

And that's such a key part of how this keeps going. Because now it's not just your internal narrative, it's how you process external feedback. Positive feedback gets filtered out, neutral feedback feels uncertain, and negative feedback feels accurate.

Crystal 11:51

Like negative feedback feels grounded, like, okay, that makes sense, but positive feedback feels questionable.

Sarah 11:57

And that imbalance keeps reinforcing the same belief because you're not taking the information evenly, you're weighing it based on what you already think is true. So anything that challenges the belief gets dismissed, and anything that supports it gets amplified.

Crystal 12:12

So you're basically building a case against yourself.

Sarah 12:15

Yes, and you're doing it in a way that feels logical. That's the hardest part because from the inside, it doesn't feel like distortion. It feels like reasoning.

Crystal 12:25

Like if someone asked you to explain it, you probably could.

Sarah 12:28

You could list moments, you could point to things, you could build an argument that sounds convincing, but what you won't be doing is including the full picture. You won't be holding the moment where you were capable at the same weight. Yeah, those don't get the same attention. They don't. And over time, this becomes automatic. You're not consciously thinking through all of this anymore. It just becomes how you process things.

Crystal 12:54

It just becomes your default setting.

Sarah 12:57

And once it becomes your default, it starts shaping your behavior without you even realizing it. You might hesitate before speaking, overthink simple decisions, avoid situations where you might be questioned or push yourself too over-prepare just to feel safe. Not because you can't handle these situations, but because you are trying to avoid that imagined moment of being found out. Which still never actually happens. And that's the part we have to start breaking. Because that moment, the one your brain keeps preparing for, isn't real in a way it feels. But the way you're responding to it is. Yeah. The fear is real, even if the situation isn't. So this is where we start to ask a different question. Not just what does this feel like, but why does it feel this way? Because imposter syndrome doesn't just show up out of nowhere. It's not random, it doesn't attach itself to people without context. It builds over time and it's usually connected back to something deeper, something about how you learn to see yourself before you ever stepped into a space you're in now. And I think for a lot of people, especially people who have who didn't grow up in environments where success felt normal or expected, there's this underlying belief that doesn't always get said out loud, but it's there. This isn't for me. Not in a dramatic way, not in a conscious way, just quietly. Like certain paths, certain opportunities, certain versions of life were never really presented as something you could naturally step into.

Crystal 14:27

Yeah, it's almost like there's an invisible line, and you don't even realize it until you cross it. And then when you do, instead of feeling like you made it somewhere, it feels like you went somewhere you weren't supposed to go. Like you skipped a step or you missed some kind of rule that everyone else followed. And I think that's where that this feels wrong feeling comes from. Not wrong like bad, but wrong like unfamiliar in a way that makes you question it.

Sarah 14:52

And for me, that's where this really started to make sense because coming from a foster background, there's already a certain narrative around what your life is supposed to look like. Not always explicitly, but it's there in how people talk and expectations and what you see around you growing up. There's this quiet message that your path is already somewhat decided for you. The stability is uncertain, that success is harder to reach, that certain spaces just aren't designed with you in mind. And when you grow up with that, even if you don't consciously believe it, it still shapes how you see yourself.

Crystal 15:23

And I think people underestimate how much that sticks because it's not just about what happens to you. It's about what you start to expect from yourself because of it. Like if you're used to things being unstable or unpredictable or limited, then stepping into something structured, something long-term, something that requires planning and belief in your future, that's not just a new opportunity. That's a completely different way of thinking.

Sarah 15:47

And then adding the military on top of that, that shaped things into a different way. Because now you're in an environment that's very structured, very clear with expectations, very defined in roles. You know where you stand, you know what's required. There's a system. And in a lot of ways, that can feel stabilizing. It gives you something solid to work within. But then transitioning out of that and stepping into something like psychology, something academic, something that requires a completely different identity. It's not just a career shift, it's a full identity shift.

Crystal 16:19

Because those are two completely different worlds. Like the way you think, the way you speak, the way you carry yourself, it all changes. And not in a small way. It's not like you're just learning new information. You're becoming a different version of yourself.

Sarah 16:34

And that's where imposter syndrome really starts to make sense because now you're not just learning something new, you're stepping into a version of yourself that just doesn't match your past. And there's this internal friction that comes with that because part of you is moving forward and another part of you is still holding on to where you came from.

Crystal 16:52

And I think that's where the almost taboo feeling comes in. Like it's not just uncomfortable, it feels like you're breaking something, like you're stepping outside of what was expected and what was normal, or even what felt allowed. And it's not like anyone has to say it out loud for you to feel it. And it's just there.

Sarah 17:10

And that's the part that's hard to explain because it doesn't always come from a specific person or a moment. It's not like someone sits you down and says, This isn't for you. It's more subtle than that. It's in the absence of representation, it's in the lack of examples. It's in the environments you grew up in, not reflecting the path you're on now. So when you step into something different, it doesn't feel new, it feels out of place.

Crystal 17:34

Like you don't have a reference point for it. You can't look back and say, this makes sense for me. So instead you look at it and go, How did I even get here?

Sarah 17:43

And that question, how did I even get here, can either be empowering or it can feel like imposter syndrome. Because if you don't have a framework to see your growth as intentional, you start to see it as accidental. Like things just happen to you instead of you building towards them.

Crystal 17:58

Which is where that accidentally successful feeling comes from.

Sarah 18:03

Because now your life doesn't feel like something you created. It feels like something you ended up in. And when it feels like you ended up there, it's harder to trust that you can stay there.

Crystal 18:13

Because if it wasn't intentional, then it doesn't feel stable.

Sarah 18:16

And I think another layer to this is the idea of breaking patterns. Because when you come from a background where certain outcomes are more common, stepping outside of that can feel isolating, even if it's positive.

Crystal 18:27

Like you're moving forward, but you're also kind of separating yourself from where you came from.

Sarah 18:32

And that creates this tension because you're proud of what you're doing, but there's also this feeling of distance, like you don't fully belong where you came from anymore, but you don't fully feel like you belong where you are either. Yeah, that in between space. And that in-between space is where imposter syndrome thrives because you don't fully feel grounded in either identity. So you end up questioning both. And that's why this isn't just about confidence, it's about identity. It's about rewriting what you believe is possible for yourself while still carrying the version of yourself that didn't believe that was possible. And that's heavy. It is. And I think the biggest thing I want to highlight in this section is this feeling doesn't mean you don't belong. It means you're doing something different than what you were conditioned to expect.

Crystal 19:20

It's not a sign you're in the wrong place. It's a sign you're in a new place.

Sarah 19:24

So once that narrative is in place, once you have that underlying belief that you don't fully belong, that you're not capable as people think you are, and that some point you're going to be exposed, it doesn't just stay in your head. It starts shaping how you move. Not in obvious ways at first, but in patterns, small behaviors that over time become consistent. And what's interesting about those behaviors is that it on the surface, they don't always look like insecurities. In fact, a lot of them will look like the opposite. They look like drive, they look like ambition, they look like responsibility. But underneath that, they're being fueled by something completely different.

Crystal 20:00

And that's what gets people, because if you're on the outside looking in, you're probably describing the person as hardworking or put together or on top of things. You wouldn't look at them and think they're struggling with imposter syndrome. You'd think they have it together. But internally, it's not coming from confidence, it's coming from pressure. Like they don't feel like they can afford to mess up. So they compensate for that and how much they do.

Sarah 20:25

And one of the biggest ways that shows up is overworking, not working hard in a healthy, intentional way, but working in a way that feels like you're constantly trying to stay ahead of something. You double-check everything, you prepare more than necessary, you spend extra time making sure things are perfect, not because the situation requires it, but because you feel like you need that extra layer of security.

Crystal 20:47

Like you don't trust good enough, even if something is objectively fine, you still feel like it's not enough. Like there's something you missed or something that could be questioned. So you just keep going. And it's not even always about improving it, it's about making sure there's nothing that could be used against you later.

Sarah 21:05

It's protective. And over time that becomes exhausting because you're not just doing your work, you're constantly reinforcing it, validating it, trying to make it untouchable. But the problem is that doesn't actually fix the underlying belief.

Crystal 21:19

Yeah, because no matter how much you do, it still feels like you have to keep doing more.

Sarah 21:24

And that's where another behavior shows up, which seems like the opposite, but it's actually coming from the same place, avoidance.

Crystal 21:32

Yeah, and that one doesn't get talked about as much because people don't connect it to imposter syndrome.

Sarah 21:38

Because when people think of imposter syndrome, they usually think of someone overachieving, overworking, pushing themselves too hard. But there's another side to it as well, where instead of overdoing everything, you start pulling back. You avoid opportunities, you hesitate to apply for things. You don't speak up when you have something to say. Not because you don't care, but because stepping forward increases the risk of being seen.

Crystal 22:00

Yeah, it's like you don't put yourself out there. You don't have to deal with the possibility of being exposed.

Sarah 22:05

It feels safer to stay where you are than to move into something that might challenge that internal narrative. And what's interesting is that both of those behaviors, overworking and avoidance, can exist in the same person.

Crystal 22:18

Like you're overworking in the areas you already in, but avoid stepping into anything new.

Sarah 22:23

You push yourself to maintain what you have, but hesitate to expand beyond it. And that creates this kind of invisible ceiling where you're capable of more, but you're not allowing yourself to move into it.

Crystal 22:35

And that's frustrating because from the outside, it probably looks like you're doing everything right.

Sarah 22:40

And internally, it doesn't feel like that at all.

Crystal 22:43

Another thing I think shows up a lot is people pleasing. And not in the general sense, but in a very specific way, where you're constantly trying to make sure everyone else is comfortable with you being there. Like you're adjusting how you speak, how you act, how you respond, just to avoid any kind of negative attention.

Sarah 23:02

Yes. And that ties directly into fear of being questioned. Because if you can keep people comfortable, if you can meet expectations, if you can stay likable, then there's less chance that someone will look deeper.

Crystal 23:15

It's like you're managing perception.

Sarah 23:17

Exactly. And again, that's exhausting because now you're not just focused on what you're doing, you're focused on how it's being received. And that's what's your attention. And over time, that can lead to something else, second guessing. That one is consistent. It is. You make a decision and then you question it. You say something and then you replay it. You finish something and then you go back over it in your head trying to figure out if you missed something.

Crystal 23:44

Like you don't trust your first instinct.

Sarah 23:47

Because trusting your instincts would require trusting yourself.

Crystal 23:50

And that's the part that's not there yet.

Sarah 23:52

Right. So instead, everything gets filtered through doubt. And that slows things down. It makes simple things feel more complicated. It makes decisions feel heavier than they need to be.

Crystal 24:04

And I think something else that comes with that is procrastination. But not the kind people usually think of.

Sarah 24:10

Yes, this is important.

Crystal 24:12

Because it's not laziness, it's not, I don't feel like doing this. It's more like I don't want to start this because once I do, it becomes real. Like once you start, you have to follow through. You have to produce something, you have to be seen in it, and you're already doubting yourself. That feels like pressure.

Sarah 24:29

Exactly. So delaying it feels like control. Like laundry. Yes. Like if you don't start, you can't fail. Exactly.

Crystal 24:39

So if you don't start, it's not, it's still gonna be there. Just keep it and start on that washing machine.

Sarah 24:44

And again, all of these behaviors, overworking, avoidance, people pleasing, second guessing, procrastinating, they might look different on the surface, but they all come from the same place. Trying not to be exposed. Yes, trying to manage the risk of being seen in a way that confirms that internal narrative. Which still isn't actually true, but it feels true. And that's why these patterns are so hard to break. So this is where everything we've talked about starts to connect because up to this point we've broken it down into pieces. The feeling, internal voices, where it comes from, but how and how it shows up. And those are important on their own, but imposter syndrome doesn't actually exist in separate parts. It's a functioning cycle. And once you see that cycle clearly, it becomes a lot easier to understand why it feels so hard to get out of it. Because it's not just one thought you can challenge, it's a pattern that keeps reinforcing itself.

Crystal 25:39

And I think that's why people feel stuck in it. Because it's not like you can just catch one moment and fix it. It keeps looping back around, even if you try to interrupt it.

Sarah 25:48

And the cycle usually starts with the situation, something that puts you into a position where you're being seen, evaluated, or stepping into something new, a new job, a new class, a new responsibility, even just speaking up in a room. And that situation triggers the thought. Not a neutral thought, but a very specific one. I don't belong here. I am not as capable as they think I am. I'm going to mess this up. And it happens too fast.

Crystal 26:15

It's not like you sit there and consciously think through it. It just shows up.

Sarah 26:20

And because it shows up so quickly, it feels automatic. It feels like truth, not interpretation. So that thought doesn't get questioned, it gets accepted. And once it's accepted, it creates a feeling. Usually anxiety, pressure, sometimes even dread. Like your body reacts before you even have time to think about it. Your heart rate shifts, your focus changes, you become more aware of yourself. And now you're not just in the situation, you're reacting to it internally. And from that feeling, behavior follows. That's where all that stuff we talked about in the last session comes in. That's where you start to over-prepare, hold back, second guess, avoid, and people please. Not randomly, but in response to the thought and that feeling.

Crystal 27:04

Yeah, it's like you're trying to control the outcome.

Sarah 27:07

You're trying to manage the risk. If I prepare more, I won't mess up. If I stay quiet, I won't say the wrong thing. If I don't try, I can't fail. And in the moment, those behaviors work. Yeah, that's the part that keeps it going. Because they reduce the immediate anxiety, they create a sense of control, even if it's temporary.

Crystal 27:28

Like if you over-prepare and something goes well, you feel like, okay, that worked. Yes.

Sarah 27:34

But here's the catch you don't attribute that to success to yourself. You attribute it to the behavior. You think that went well because I prepared so much. That went well because I didn't take any risks. That went well because I was careful. Not that went well because I'm capable.

Crystal 27:50

So you never actually break the original belief.

Sarah 27:54

The belief stays intact. It I don't belong here. And now it has reinforcement because your brain goes, see, the only reason that worked is because you compensated. Like you didn't prove yourself. You proved that you needed to work harder to keep it up. And that's what completes the cycle. Because now the next time you're in a similar situation, that belief is stronger. And that behavior is more intense. You prepare more, you doubt more, you avoid more. Because now you're not just reacting, you're reinforcing a pattern that feels necessary.

Crystal 28:26

And I think that's what's really frustrating about this is that from the outside, it looks like growth. Like if someone saw that, they'd probably say, Wow, they're really dedicated, or they're really putting in that effort.

Sarah 28:39

And that's why this goes unnoticed for so long, because the behaviors don't look like a problem. They look like success. But internally, it doesn't feel like success. No, it feels like maintenance. It's like you're constantly trying to hold something together. Yeah, like if you stop doing all those things, everything will fall apart. And that's the illusion because the behaviors feel like they're protecting you, but they're actually keeping the belief in place.

Crystal 29:05

So the thing you think is helping is actually keeping you stuck.

Sarah 29:10

Yes, and that's why breaking the cycle isn't just about changing one thought or one behavior. It's about recognizing the pattern as a whole. Yeah, like seeing how all the pieces connect. Because once you see it, you start realizing this isn't random. This is something my brain has learned to do. And if it's learned, it can be unlearned. 100% home dollars. Exactly. So when we talk about breaking this cycle, I think the first thing we have to be honest about is that you're not going to wake up one day and just not feel this anymore. There isn't a moment where the thought disappears completely and you suddenly feel fully confident in every space you walk into. That's just not realistic. And I think that's where a lot of people get stuck because they're waiting for that feeling before they allow themselves to move differently. But imposter syndrome doesn't go away because you finally believe you belong. It starts to loosen when you learn to exist in those spaces, even part of you still doesn't believe it yet. And that's a very different approach because now the goal isn't to fix the thought, it's to change your relationship with the thought.

Crystal 30:10

And I think that's the part where people don't expect because when you hear a work through imposter syndrome, you assume that means you're going to feel better first. Like that feeling is going to change, and then your behavior will follow. But it's actually the opposite. You're still going to have that voice, you're still going to walk into certain situations and feel the same tension, that same hesitation, the same thought in the back of your head saying, you don't belong here. The difference is you don't automatically agree with it anymore. You don't treat it like it's the final answer.

Sarah 30:40

And that's where everything starts to shift very subtly at first, because instead of those thoughts being something that controls your next move, it becomes something you notice, not something you eliminate, just something you recognize. And that sounds simple, but it's actually a really big change because before that thought would have come in and it would have immediately shaped what you did next. You'd feel it, believe it, and react to it all at once. Now there's a small gap, and in that gap, you have a choice.

Crystal 31:05

And I think the gap is uncomfortable because you're used to feeling it right away. You're used to doing something to make that feeling go down. Over preparing, pulling back, double checking, whatever it is. So when you don't do that, you feel exposed in a different way. Like now you're just sitting there with it and there's nothing buffering it.

Sarah 31:25

And that's why this part feels harder before it feels better, because those behaviors weren't random. They were giving you relief. They were helping you manage the anxiety, even if they were reinforcing the cycle long term. So when you start pulling those behaviors back even slightly, you feel the anxiety more clearly. And for a lot of people, that feels like they're doing something wrong. Like this isn't working because I feel worse. But what's actually happening is you're experiencing the feeling without immediately escaping it. And that's new. It's unfamiliar. And it because it's unfamiliar, your brain reads it as wrong. But it's not wrong, it's just different from what you're used to.

Crystal 32:00

It's like you're finally seeing what was underneath everything you were doing to manage it.

Sarah 32:05

And once you can sit with that even for a few seconds, even imperfectly, you start to realize something important. That feeling doesn't last forever. It rises, then it settles. And that's something you don't get to experience when you're constantly reacting to it.

Crystal 32:18

Yeah, because normally you don't give it time to settle. You jump in and try to fix it right away.

Sarah 32:24

So part of breaking the cycle is learning that you don't have to fix every thought or feeling that the moment it shows up, you can let it exist without letting it decide what you do next.

Crystal 32:34

And that's a big shift because it puts the control back in your hands, but in a quieter way.

Sarah 32:40

Not control in the same sense of forcing yourself to feel differently, but control in the sense of choosing how you respond. And that leads to another piece that is really important here separating how things feel from what actu is actually true. Because one of the biggest things imposter syndrome does is it blurs that line. It makes something feel true, and then you treat it as if it is.

Crystal 33:01

Yeah, like I feel like I don't belong turns into I don't belong.

Sarah 33:06

And those are not the same statements. But when you're in that, they feel identical. So part of this process is start to gently separate those two things, not by forcing a new belief, but by allowing both to exist at the same time. What do you mean by that? I mean allowing yourself to think, I feel like I don't belong here, and I'm here anyways, instead of I feel like I don't belong here, so I shouldn't be here.

Crystal 33:30

That's a big difference.

Sarah 33:32

It is because now the feeling doesn't automatically dictate the conclusion. You're letting the feelings exist without letting the define your reality.

Crystal 33:40

So you're not arguing with it, but you're also not letting it run everything.

Sarah 33:44

And that's much more sustainable way to approach it because you're not trying to convince yourself of something you don't fully believe in, yet you're just widening the space around that belief.

Crystal 33:54

And I think another part of this too is redefining what it means to be confident. Because I feel like a lot of people are waiting for confidence to just show up before they change anything.

Sarah 34:05

Yes, and that's one of the biggest misconceptions. Confidence isn't something that arrives first, it's something that builds after you've already done things while feeling unsure.

Crystal 34:14

Like you don't get confident and then act, you act and then confidence starts to build from that.

Sarah 34:20

And that means you're going to be doing things while still feeling like an imposter at times. And that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're doing it in a real way.

Crystal 34:28

Like letting yourself be in process instead of waiting to feel finished.

Sarah 34:32

And that takes pressure off because now you're not trying to prove something every moment. You're allowing yourself to participate in a space you're already in.

Crystal 34:39

And that feels a lot more realistic.

Sarah 34:41

It is. And over time, those small shifts, how you respond to the thought and how you sit with that feeling, how you interpret your experiences, they start to add up, not all at once, but gradually.

Crystal 34:51

It's not like a switch flips, it's more like it just starts to feel a little less intense.

Sarah 34:57

A little less convincing, a little less controlling. And that's where the change actually happens. So when it we come back to the title of this episode, Accidentally Successful, I think it's worth really sitting with what that actually means. Because on the surface, it sounds kind of light, it sounds like a joke, like you somehow ended up somewhere good without trying, like things just worked out in your favor. But when you really look at it, that phrase carries something deeper. It carries the idea that your life, your progress, the spaces you've stepped into weren't intentional. They just happened to you, that you've slipped into them. And I think for a lot of people, especially people who have to build their lives without a clear roadmap, without examples, without stability, success doesn't always feel like something you created. It feels like something you found yourself in.

Crystal 35:40

And I think that's why it feels so fragile. Because if something feels accidental, it doesn't feel like it belongs to you. It feels like it could disappear just as easy as it showed up. Like at any point, something could shift, you'd go right back to where you were before. So even when things are going well, there's an underlying tension. Like you're holding on to something instead of standing on it.

Sarah 36:02

And I think that's where the reframe has to start. Because when you look at your life through that lens, you miss something really important. You miss the fact that even if the path wasn't clear, you still walked it. Even if you didn't have a plan, you still made decisions. Even if you didn't see examples of what was possible, you still stepped into something different.

Crystal 36:21

Yeah, and like it might not have looked intentional at the time, but that doesn't mean it wasn't. It just means you were figuring it out as you went.

Sarah 36:29

And I think that's the part people don't give themselves enough credit for because we tend to define intention as having everything mapped out, knowing exactly where you're going, why you're going there and how you're going to get there. But that's not how most growth actually happens. A lot of time it's messy, it's uncertain, and it's one decision at a time without fully knowing where it's going to lead.

Crystal 36:50

Because it's not, I planned this perfectly. It's more like I kept going.

Sarah 36:54

And that matters because continuing, especially even if things are unclear, especially when you don't fully believe in yourself yet, that's not accidental. That's effort, that's persistence, that's adaptation.

Crystal 37:06

And I think that's where people need to slow down and actually look at their own life differently. Because it's easy to look at where you are now and go, I don't know how I got there. If you really trace it back, there's so many moments where you made a choice, even small ones.

Sarah 37:22

You showed up when you could have stepped back. You tried when you weren't sure it would work. You stayed in a situation that challenged you instead of going back to what was comfortable. And those things don't always feel significant in the moment, but over time they build something.

Crystal 37:36

And I think people overlook that because they're comparing themselves to the idea of what success is supposed to look like. Like if it doesn't look clean or intentional or planned, it doesn't count the same.

Sarah 37:48

And that's where this idea of being accidentally successful really needs to be challenged because it assumes that success has to look a certain way to be valid. And for a lot of people, it doesn't.

Crystal 37:59

Especially when you come from a background where there wasn't a clear path. Like you're not following something, you're creating it.

Sarah 38:06

And creating something is always going to feel different than following something. It's going to feel uncertain, it's going to feel unfamiliar. And sometimes it's going to feel like you're not supposed to be doing it.

Crystal 38:15

Like you're stepping outside of something that was already set for you.

Sarah 38:19

But that feeling that this isn't supposed to be my life feeling, that's not a sign that you didn't belong. That's a sign that you're doing something different than what you were conditioned to expect. Yeah, it's not wrong. It's just new. And I think that's the shift I want people to walk away with. Not that the feeling goes away, but that the meaning of the feeling changes.

Crystal 38:40

Like instead of this proves I don't belong, it becomes this is what growth feels like.

Sarah 38:45

Because growth doesn't always feel like confidence. Sometimes it feels like doubt. Sometimes it feels like discomfort. And sometimes it feels like you're out of place. But that doesn't mean you are. And I think the last thing I want to say is this you are not accidentally successful. You may not have had a clear path. You may not have had examples. You may not have believed in yourself the whole time, but you still moved forward. And that counts for a lot more than people realize. It does because success isn't just about where you end up, it's about how you got there. And for a lot of people listening to this, getting there wasn't easy. It wasn't clear, and it definitely wasn't accidental.

Crystal 39:24

It just didn't look the way you expected it to.

Sarah 39:27

Take care of each other. Don't be mean in our comments. And maybe give yourself a little more credit than you actually do. Okay. Thank you, buddy.

SPEAKER_00 39:37

Bye. Thank you for listening. Please like and subscribe. Please follow us on social media. I just don't need to. Okay. You told the truth with always a lot. Make room feel beautiful.